Last Week I Lost My Father

Last week I lost my father.

Even though he had been sick for a while, nothing really prepares you for the loss of a parent.

You sort of feel as though you lost an anchor in your life.

The saddest part is we had a contentious relationship for the last few years of his life.

I somehow thought we’d find our way back to each other and work things out.

But last weekend I got the text from my stepbrother that he was failing fast and might not even make the transport to hospice.

My brothers hopped in the car and made the long drive to Chicago to say their goodbyes.

As someone who struggles with anxiety, I could not.

For me, anxiety or panic attacks show up in the form of chest pains that feel like heart attacks and extreme vertigo.

Each time I tried to stand, I felt faint and my chest would constrict.

I had to make the embarrassing phone call to my brother and explain that I just couldn’t do it.

I asked if when he got to the hospital he would put the phone up to my dad’s ear so that I could pay my final respects.

I can’t even begin to tell you the level of shame and self-loathing I went through that day.

Laying on the couch with a resting heart rate of 128 I tried to meditate and calm myself down until my brother completed the 7-hour drive from Ohio to Chicago. (normal resting heart rate for me is 64)

When my brother finally made it to the hospital, my husband helped me up to say a few words.

With my legs and arms shaking, I spoke these words into my father’s ear.

“Hi Dad, I’m so sorry that your health is getting worse. You know dad, I can only imagine how hard it was for you and mom to get married and have kids as young as you did. It had to have been a little scary and pretty hard. But you know dad, I know that you did the very best that you could. And I thank you for all that you did for each of us. And while I’m going to miss you terribly dad, I want you to know that we’re going to be alright. We’re all going to be ok dad and I love you very much.”

I asked my brother to hang up so that he and his family could enjoy their few moments with my dad before the next group would be allowed into the room.

I cried so many tears that day, I thought for sure the whole world would open up and swallow me whole.

But later that evening my stepbrother texted me to tell me that he happened to be in the room with my brother when I was on speakerphone with my dad.

He shared with me what a lovely thing it was that I said and he knows how much my dad appreciated it as well as the rest of the family.

That somehow in those final moments, it gave my dad comfort and expressed what all of us kids were feeling.

Having that conversation with someone on their deathbed was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do to date.

But what I learned from that experience is that it is never too late and not to leave anything unspoken.

Because less than 12 hours later he was gone.

While we didn’t get the opportunity to make up for the last few years, the slate was cleaned and the hurt and anger were replaced with peace.

Today I am working through the grief. But proud of the fact that said what I said.

I’ve learned that as humans, we were made to do difficult things.

Goodbye Dad, I’ll miss you.